Greetings, loyal comrades of the people’s paradise, North Korea. Here is tonight’s <boring old kitsch agit-prop cobblers> for you on Korean Central Television.

On tonight’s stomach-clenching programming, we have a thrilling chang’guk [revolutionary opera] performed entirely on piano accordions from the eight year olds of the Keesong Infant’s Massed Chorus, “Leading the Final Attack For the Fatherland’s Liberation to Victory.”

Next, at 9.30, we have Kim Jong-Il, the Great Leader, with his three hour cello rendition of that catchy ditty, “Great Workers Party of Korea, Shine All Over the World.” Ohhhh!!! Kim Jong-Il!!! Oops, sorry, just had a spontaneous groinal emission…

[NORMAL SERVICE WILL BE RESUMED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE: “Right Bak Soong Che, you’ve been warned about these spontaneous episodes of bourgeois decadence! Off to a labour camp for the next two years!”]

(Different Announcer) But first, have you purchased your compulsory gallon of Peoples Paradise Herbal Mountain Elixir Number 216? It’s full of amino acids, useful microelements, radon, and miraculous panacea mountain herbs found only atop Mount Paektu, holy birthplace of our Dear Leader, Kim Jong-Il.  Buy it, or face a firing squad!

Finally, just before closedown, we have Kim Jong-Il, the Hot, Sultry Seductive Leader moaning the classic revolutionary opera “Immortal Achievement of Embodying the Idea of Down With Imperialism Union Through Military First Leadership” while poledancing in a diaphanous gown!!!

It’s all here on North Korean Central Television!!!