Kate Bornstein: Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks and Other Outlaws: New York: Seven Stories Press: 2006. ISBN 1583227202

I’ve been addicted to the work of transdiva Kate Bornstein ever since I read her books Gender Outlaw and My Gender Workbook in the late nineties.

As a transgender rights activist, Kate believes change is survival, which is a philosophy consistent with suicide prevention work. As a devout postmodern heretic, s/he also believes that we shouldn’t believe that social identities are fixed in stone- and transitioning into another gender identity is a good example. S/he has a healthy contempt for prescriptive, loaded questions with pat, approved answers, leading hir to do things like tick all the boxes, write her own answers in the margins, or ignore the loaded question as impertinent.

For many adolescents, that’s a big ask. Because I think my experiences of adolescence might help anyone in a similar situation, here goes my own take on this. Unbelievably, I was a squeaky clean, upwardly mobile working class boy at a fundamentalist private school in the seventies- and realised I was also gay, at about sixteen. I chose conformism, closetry and survival as temporary expedients, because they were the only options that I could see open to me. Ultimately, I somehow got through my School Cert, UE and Bursary and was finally free from that place. And thus, on to university in the early eighties and the New Left.

So gradually, life got better. But I’ve been there. I know how hard it was for me, being a gay teenager, being told one is “sick”, “evil”, and on no account are you to feel intelligent or physically attractive. Here’s the thing- having gay sex with other teenagers validated me and helped me to survive. And for me, it provided a matrix to adulthood, and becoming someone who tied his own boots and used them to ultimately kick my earlier fundamentalist brainwashing out of my life.

Being gay also gave me insight into the oppression of others, particularly my parents experience of racism (in my mum’s case) and class oppression (Dad had to leave high school shortly after the Depression to support his family because his own dad died in a railway accident). My parents may not be activists, but they taught me a lot about resistance to injustice and never accepting putdowns. I love them both for that important life lesson.

Anyway, back to Kate. She valuably suggests that if things get back, call a suicide prevention line, find a trustworthy mate or adult to talk to, or a mental health professional, or a twelve-step group to help out with any addictions, or go online. For yourself, try to figure out why you’re feeling bad, find a way to feel better, and work on it. Take things slowly. Finally, onto those 101 Ways- not all of which I agree with…

1. Keep moving.    (2) Self-pleasure.  (3) Do something you enjoy. (4) Respect yourself (Madge was right!).  (5) Get the necessary work stuff out of the way. (6) Refuse to do something.  (7) Change yourself, however you think best.  (8) Put that change into practice.  (9) Strategise- prepare for the future.  (10) Get angry.  (11) Decide what you want to disclose, then talk to someone, or not. (12) Get help. (13) Act out, then ask for help. (14) Run away, especially from toxic homelife. (15) Discover bits of yourself you didn’t realise existed. (16) Develop a positive body image. (17) Try becoming a comedian. (18) Get creative- paint, draw, write. (19) Create your own business. (20) Mourn the lost, then get on with your life. (21) Glam up (or butch up). (22) Develop empathy. (23) Become a social justice activist. (24) Nurture kids or companion animals. (25) Join a group you like. (26) Give yourself permission to do something. (27) Play an enjoyable game. (28) Turn diva!  (29) Turn helper. (30) Leave behind old baggage (can take time, though). (31) Stop prevaricating, do something! (32) Work on something long-term. (33) Strategise to eventually nonviolently disable your perceived opponents. (34) Keep on moving. (38) Find a nice spirituality, then do an affirmative ceremony or ritual attached to it. (39) Wish. (40) Pretend. (41) Fulfill other’s desires (but not at your own cost- boundaries and choice good ideas here). (42) Act whatever is an appropriate age for you.(43) Act whatever is an appropriate gender for you. (44) Sabotage someone/something you don’t like about the world. (45) Come out as…(whatever). (46) Develop intimacy with someone good for you. (47) Develop friendship with someone good for you. (48) Find an affirming community of some sort. (49) Find an affirmative spirituality or faith of some sort. (50) Become a hero! (51) Misbehave (creatively!) (52) Scare people (not small children- do not physically hurt them). (53) Turn on the charm. (54) Be polite.  (55) Get frightened, then work through why you’re scared. (56) Try celibacy, especially if you keep having bad relationships. (57) Good hot, consensual safe sex. (58) Express gratitude to positive people in your life, and build relationships with them. (59) Help someone else. (60) Cookery. (61) Food! (62) Rest and relaxation. (63) Shopping! (64) Travel. (65) Go on a quest for something. (66) Infiltrate something. (67) Go for whatever you want to become! (68) Play mad. (69) Really, really glam or butch up! (70) Access whatever fandom interests you. (71) Delabelise yourself and start questioning received interpretations of who and what you should be. (72) Fame! (73) Strategise, so you can be in a position to set your own rules. (74) Communicate with others. (75) Work damn hard to prove the Enemy wrong! (76) Make up your own moral rules, remembering no-one else should be tangibly hurt. (77) Be selfish, take time out for yourself. (78) Learn about your Enemy, whatever it is, so you can overcome it. (79) Be a sex/gender alternative person. (80) Give yourself permission to laugh. (81) Live with contradictions. (82) Chose your battles. (83) Select your targets carefully, and prepare well beforehand. (84) Communicate better. (85) Take risks, and open up to others. (86) Selective silence. (87) Appreciate the splendour and beauty of nature. (88) Be moderate in all things. (89) Accept eventual mortality (but note the eventual aspect).  (90) End what must be ended before you change your life. (91) Be there for someone else. (92) Seem to acquiesce with others plans, then choose your moment to rebel.

CAUTION:

There are some other things on Kate’s list that I disagree with, which are these. BDSM tends to be largely a scene for middle-aged people (93). Do not take unneccessary risks, life unsafe sex or taking hard drugs (94). Self-harm may easily spiral out of control (95). If you must do recreational drugs, think about harm minimisation and risk reduction so you can do them safely. To Kate’s credit, she also refers to addiction, criminality, emotional numbing, possible physical and psychological disability and make sure you choose the substance of least possible harm (96). Bulimia and anorexia cause bodily damage, so try guided weight loss or see a counsellor about body image issues. Are these really “alternatives” to suicide? I don’t think so- it may be slower, but it may still end up killing you- straight female or young gay man.

With those caveats though, this is mostly still an excellent and highly constructive book. I commend Kate especially for recognising the value of humour, dressing up, respecting yourself, food, shopping, companion animals, and positive spirituality. This is one of the best suicide prevention resources I’ve ever seen.

Buy it, or borrow it from your library. Or get them to purchase it.